I Stepped Up Today

I am kind of proud of myself today.

And I'm going to allow myself to say that without immediately qualifying it, making a joke about it, or explaining why it wasn't really that big of a deal.

Because to me, it was.  And if you know me, you know it took effort to say that out loud.

I had a custody hearing today.

I was nervous. I was worried. And if we're being accurate, I was just this side of fucking terrified.

And it was just a telephonic hearing.  LOL

I've been the guy trying to represent himself while an experienced attorney knew the rules better than I did. I've had objections coming at me while I was trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do next. I've walked into court thinking I was prepared only to discover that knowing what happened and knowing how to present what happened in court are two entirely different things.

And I've gotten my ass handed to me. 

There was one hearing in particular where I walked back into that courtroom while their lawyer was playing handball with the witnesses and I was learning new information as it was being presented against me.

Their attorney played me like a harmonica.

Not true.  At least a harmonica would have gotten blown…

LOL  I just got played.

That feeling fucking sucked.

Helpless. Overwhelmed. Behind the curve.

But here's the thing about getting your ass kicked:

You can waste the beating, or you can learn from it.

I learned.

Today I went back.

I wasn't suddenly a lawyer. I wasn't magically proficient at courtroom procedure. I didn't walk in fearless and confident like some television attorney.

I was nervous. I was tense. I think I still have some chair stuck in my buttcheeks.

But I was prepared.

And there is a huge fucking difference.

I presented my side.

I made my arguments.

I stayed focused.

I didn't get buried under the avalanche of objections I had expected. When it was my turn to explain my position, I explained it.

Was I perfect?

Hell no.

But I got it done.

And when the hearing was over, something else happened that might actually matter more.

I didn't sit around celebrating.

I started thinking about the next hearing.

Two weeks.  And I have to WALK into that one.

What do I need?

What evidence needs to be gathered?

What mistakes did I make today?

What worked?

What needs tightened up?

What might opposing counsel do differently next time?

Who can I call to help me get ready?

What's the next move?

That's when I realized something.

Maybe courage isn't reaching the point where something no longer scares you.

Maybe courage is remembering exactly how badly it hurt the last time, knowing damn well it could happen again, feeling that knot in your stomach—

and stepping forward anyway.

That's what I did today.

Some people won't understand why I'm proud of that.

That's okay.

They don't have to.

They weren't standing where I was standing.

They don't know what it took for me to walk through that door again the last time.

I do.

And today I learned something important about myself.

I'm getting better.

Not perfect.

Not proficient.

Lol, not even that good, probably.

But better.

The guy who walked into that hearing today knew more than the guy who walked into the last one.

And the guy who walks into court two weeks from now is going to know more than the guy who walked in today.

That's the deal I've made with myself.

I don't have to be the smartest guy in the room.

I don't have to know everything.

I don't even have to stop being afraid.

I just have to keep learning.

Keep preparing.

Keep standing up.

And keep fucking going.

Because suffering can give you every excuse in the world to fall.

But getting back up?

That's still your choice. 

And it usually takes a reason.

What’s yours?